Today is exactly one year to the day that I was diagnosed with depression. August 11th last year I had my first panic attack after being extremely depressed for a few months. August 12th last year I had to finally admit that I couldn't control it. I couldn't hide it and certainly couldn't cope with it anymore. I was taken to the doctors by my mother and put on antidepressants. I wrote a post last year on my diagnosis which I found quite hard to write. (Click here to view.) This second one is not proving to be any easier for me. I can write about my endometriosis symptoms quite easily, all the ins and outs of it, I find it as a second nature to be as open as I possibly can. So why when it comes to my mental health do I feel myself clam up and struggle?
The honest truth of the situation is I don't think I portrayed the full extent of my depression last year. Even close friends and family wouldn't know the full extent of it. Thinking back on the thoughts I was having terrify me, yet now I can't fathom how I could have thought such awful things. It got to a point where I noticed a packet of my sleeping tablets under my bedside table and I started thinking how many would I need to take to just sleep and not wake up. I had this thought on more than one occasion. I felt that I had no purpose in my life. I was no use to anyone and especially no use to myself so what was the point of me being here? I felt my life had already been taken away from me by endometriosis. It took away my health, made me lose my job and stole my social life. I was just existing day to day, waiting for the hours to pass so I could go back to bed. I never felt like I would act on my thoughts but I just wanted to stop the pain... physically and mentally. I was breathing but not living.
I still get days now where I don't feel myself. I get bad days when I can't cope with even the smallest of things. But compared to where I was this time last year, I am so different. I am still out of work and in pain from endo. However, my mindset has changed. I have faith and hope that things will improve. I realise I have a purpose being here by being a daughter, a sister, a best friend and an endosister. Just by being me.
Due to depression being highlighted in the media today I wanted to post this to remind anyone reading this that you are not alone. Please go and talk to someone if you are feeling depressed. See a doctor, tell a family member, a friend, even me! I won't be able to fix you or wave a magic wand but I can listen. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It is not something you can just 'snap out of' or try to 'pull yourself together'. It is a medical condition and you deserve the best help possible. Don't be too hard on yourself. Things will get better. You may not believe in yourself right now, but trust me there are plenty of people who do - even if you can't see it.
The honest truth of the situation is I don't think I portrayed the full extent of my depression last year. Even close friends and family wouldn't know the full extent of it. Thinking back on the thoughts I was having terrify me, yet now I can't fathom how I could have thought such awful things. It got to a point where I noticed a packet of my sleeping tablets under my bedside table and I started thinking how many would I need to take to just sleep and not wake up. I had this thought on more than one occasion. I felt that I had no purpose in my life. I was no use to anyone and especially no use to myself so what was the point of me being here? I felt my life had already been taken away from me by endometriosis. It took away my health, made me lose my job and stole my social life. I was just existing day to day, waiting for the hours to pass so I could go back to bed. I never felt like I would act on my thoughts but I just wanted to stop the pain... physically and mentally. I was breathing but not living.
I still get days now where I don't feel myself. I get bad days when I can't cope with even the smallest of things. But compared to where I was this time last year, I am so different. I am still out of work and in pain from endo. However, my mindset has changed. I have faith and hope that things will improve. I realise I have a purpose being here by being a daughter, a sister, a best friend and an endosister. Just by being me.
Due to depression being highlighted in the media today I wanted to post this to remind anyone reading this that you are not alone. Please go and talk to someone if you are feeling depressed. See a doctor, tell a family member, a friend, even me! I won't be able to fix you or wave a magic wand but I can listen. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It is not something you can just 'snap out of' or try to 'pull yourself together'. It is a medical condition and you deserve the best help possible. Don't be too hard on yourself. Things will get better. You may not believe in yourself right now, but trust me there are plenty of people who do - even if you can't see it.
#MyEndoDiary
Thank you for sharing. I related so much to a few of your thoughts and it sucks that anyone has to go through it but it is comforting to know you are not alone. And you are not your disease!
ReplyDeleteHi Dacjess, thank you for reading my post. I'm sorry that you have felt this too but glad you can relate so that you know you are not alone! It needs to be talked about so much more.
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